inglisch 3

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L’Inglisch 3 - situescional

(di Laura Bertola, Alessandra De Acutis, Paola Lerza, Clara Salafia, Teresa Ducci)

THIRD AGE UNIVERSITY

vecchietto n.1: what can we do now?
vecchietto n.2: it's time to give our dreams some body!
vecchietto n.1: Which kind of body? That of an enflatable doll? We couldn't do anything else, I suppose.
vecchietto n.2: Man of little faith! Let's throw our heart beyond the obstacle!
vecchietto n.1: My heart has already got three by-pass...
vecchietto n.2: Man of no faith! Think positive!
vecchietto n.1: My brain has the Alzheimer morb! I'm not able to think!
vecchietto n.2: Well, than it's time to come back to school... hurry up!
vecchietto n.1: Slowly, please! I have a wooden leg too!

FOURTH AGE UNIVERSITY

vecchietto n.1 - Give me the parrot, please!
vecchietto n.2 - The bird? I haven't any flying one more, sorry! You know how it is... the age... the oldness...
vecchietto n.1 - Ma cch'hai capito! O pappagall', chill' pe' pppiscià!
vecchietto n.2 - AAAAhhh! the vase! Will you have the padel, too?
infermiera - what are you speaking about?
vecchietto n.1 - It doesn't matter, miss...
vecchietto n. 2 - They are conversations of the cazz...oh, pardon, of birds, we were speaking about zoology....
infermiera - exstincted animals, I suppose.

AT THE BANK

Impiegat - Good morning! Are you going to make a versament or a preliev?
Docent - A versament of bile and a preliev of blood, thanks.
Impiegat - Oh, I see! you are a dipendent from the state, aren't you?
Docent - Of course! Look, in which state they have reduced me!
Impiegat - No problem, your next stipendium will be accreditated as soon as possible!
Docent - But now... I keep no money more! Nun tengo chiù 'na lira!
Impiegat - Be happy! Mrs. More Acts will send you in pension very prest!
Docent - The sooner she does it, the worse it will be! No age no pension! Only pensionat for us, sorry

EDUCAZIONE STRADALE - AT THE TRAFFIC-LIGHT

Driver 1 - All crossings to hell! The light is always red!
Driver 2 - Red? Is it comunist?
Driver 1 - Ma cche staiadddì? Red, it means you must stop!
Driver 2 - I know, Comunism has stopped the history of man!
Driver 1 - Look! The light is green!
Driver 2 - Green? Is it leghist?
Driver 1 - ..azzz'disci? Green, you can go, go on, go away!
Driver 2 - I know, Leghism has calpestated the history of man, ce hanno passato sopra!
Driver 1 - Look! The light is yellow now!
Driver 2 - Yellow? Like a sunny day? Annamosene alla spiaggia, to the seaside, ch'è pppiù mmmejo assaje!
Driver 3 - POOOOOOT POOOOT!!! Se movemo sciattappe?

AT THE CINEMA

Pupil 1 - What's on tonight at the cinema?
Pupil 2 - Quo vadis?
Pupil 1 - What does it mean? E chevvvordì?
Pupil 2 - Where are you going? 'Ndò vai?
Pupil 1 - To the cinema!!! Te l'hogggià dddetto!
Pupil 2 - What are you going to see?
Pupil 1 - Quo vadis?
Pupil 2 - E chevvordì? What does it mean?
Pupil 1 - We've already told it! 'ndò vai?
Pupil 2 - And I've already told you I'm going to the cinema!!!!
Pupil 3 - I'd better to go to the disco, tonight!

MOTHER AND SON

Mother: What are you doing with this buk in man?
Son: I'm studianding, mom!
Mother: Why?
Son: A ma' sei rinco? I'm a student, don't you remember?
Mother: Oh, what a boring figl iu ar! Came, on TV there is "Scalpel, nobody is perfect" (except me). Platy and Airin Smallbagpipe are scalpellanding the proboscid of a woman triyng to trasform it in a nose!
Son: Ma domani Quella (la prof) me squarta in History.
Mother: Poor boy! Every day studying stories of dead people... Watch "Big Brother 4"! Quella è vita vera! So, throw up the book, good gracious! Sit close to me on the sofa, Daddy is telefoning votanding Ascanio to expell him out of the house!
Son: Ma che stanno a fa' l'Eneide in TV? Famme un po' vvede, che se je dicco a quella spurt della prof che me so vvisto er capolavoro de Pubblio Virgilio Robberto Maroni, quella se gasa tutta e me mette 'n bel voto!
Mother: Ma cche è della Lega quella dead of appetite? Te staj a sbaglià: è mmeridionale!!!
Son: Che me frega, 'a ma'. Lasseme perde...famme studià.
Mother: Asocial! This school is rovining you! The school divide the families! Less evil che adesso Joy sta a ffa' 'a riforma, dove scegliemo noi! Je faccio vedè io a sta prof, nun je scelgo manco 'n labboratorio de' suoi, così perde il posto e se leva da li...
Son: A ma' statte 'n po' zitta che nun riesco a capì. Ma qual'è Didone? Quella bbionda c' a frangetta e a minigonna de ginz?

Mother - Children!!! Go and put to place (questa è terribile, lo so!) your bedroom! There are masticated brioscins, ammuffited pieces of bread and mortadell, bad - smelling socks, dirty slips, ugly pigs that you aren't nothing else!
Children - A ma' 'ncerompe. Stamo a gguardà er grande fratello!
Mother - It not cares a hang to me. Lift your backsides, e andate pure voi a faticà!
Children - Don't break our balls! Don't be a teacher with us!
Mother - What does it means?
Children - Che ddevi da fa' a teacher con quei puzzoni dei tuoi pupils, a nnoi nun ce devi da rompe!
Mother - What do you think about this?
Father - E lasciali respirà...che vvuoi che siano six or sever hours watching television... Ce stanno due che se stanno a bbacià da du ore...volemo vedè se concludeno!
Mother - Big watchers (anche questa è terribile, sorry!)! With all the dafar che c'è in casa, questi stanno a guardà le zozzerie! Spions, abulics, ignavs! It touchs always to me, I work out and when I return home me piaceresse de avè your collaborations! I'm very tired to be the onlyone who clean the house, wash mutands, stir camices, prepare da mangiar every day...Look, look at my hair! They are six months that I dont'go to the parrucchier, and every time a go to him, he asks to me:ci conosciamo? It's obvious, my somatic treats are changed and my hair are juventins, half black and half withe!This story have to finish!
Children - What a straz! She's esaurit! Che potemo fa?
Father - A potemo nominà! Je potemo fischià 'n fallo da espulsione e mannalla to that village!
Children - Good! So we can get her out of the way!

FILASTROCCA

Little bird flying high
drops his luggage from the sky.
Angry farmer watches high
thanking God that cows don't fly.

AT THE DENTIST'S

Dentist - Have you got toothache?
Pazient - Yes, a lot, a stralot, a casin, 'na cifra!
Dentist - Do you like me to pull your dent out?
Pazient - Mmmhhhh...mhhhh... can't speak....
Dentist - Let's take the pinz!
Pazient - Mmmhhh... mmmhhhh... can't speak...
Dentist - Let's take the martel!
Pazient - mmhhhh...mhhhh... help me...
Dentist - Let's take the prayer-book...
Pazient - AAAGGGHHHH!!!! MY GOOOOD!!!!
Dentist - Here is your tooth. It was the avvelenated one. That was the reason 'cause you were so maldicent!
Pazient - mmhhh aargghhh... You've extracted the wrong dent! Mannaggiattè, assassino murder te possino scucitte!!!
Dentist - No problem. Here is a piece of bread
Pazient - mmmhhh... e ccche mmme ne fo der pane, che nun posso masticà?
Dentist - Bread for your teeth!!! Some bread a day keeps the dentist away!!!!!!!!

AT THE STATION

Teacher - Where can people catch the train?
Pupil - Ahò, o treno nun se caccia, se pija!
T - At the station, of course!
P - Eccerto, de corsa, sennò lo perdi!
T - Yes, if you don't run, your train will be missed!
P - Missili? ma ccquando mai! Ma se so' lenti come lumache, 'sti treni!
T - And you can ask: what time is the train to... (somewhere)
P - Ce lo sapevo! Nun sa manco 'ndò dev'annà!
T - Don't get off the platform, please!
P - e ridaje coi missili! Mo' ce sta pure a piattaforma...
T - No, by train! By train!
P - e bai bai teacher, non se n'annamo appiedi, ch'è più mejo assaje!

AT MONTESCITORIO

Citizen 1 - Ahò, have you seen that minister who is gesticoling a lot? What's her name?
Citizen 2 - She's Mrs. More Acts!
Citizen 1 - Look! Who's that man dressed like an alpinist?
Citizen 2 - Mr Three Mountains, of course!
Citizen 1 - And that... yes, that one who's been speaking for three hours and doesn't la smett più che me ha fatto 'no sciampo...
Citizen 2 - He's Mr. Brown Balls, at last...
Citizen 1 - What?
Citizen 2 - Maroni, maroni! What two Maroni!

ON THE BEACH

Pupil 1 - Oh nice! Let's make a sand castle with the palet and the secchiel!
Pupil2 - Yes, at the face of all secchions of our classroom!
P1 - They are at school today, but we've marinated! how furbacchions we are!
P2 - Look at the sun, it's hot!
P1 - Sì, è il più santo de tutti chillo! San hot-dog! Tengo 'na fame!
P2 - Let's swim a little first!
P1 - E chevvordì?
P2 - Che s'annamo affà 'n bagno, no?
P1 - Ah, the bathroom! All this long way only to wash ourselves? Ahò, domani me ne stò accasa!

IN A HOTEL

LUI - oh darling!
LEI - Oh darling!
LUI - Oh, light of my eyes!
LEI - Oh, light of my eyes!
LUI - Oh soul of my soul!
LEI - Oh soul of my soul!
LUI - Oh, my treasure!
LEI - Oh, my treasure!
LUI - Do tou remember? We're here to sweep!
LEI - Yes, we're in a suite....
LUI - Ma no! to sweep... to brush... to scop... to fuck!!!
LEI - A commendatò, facchia un po' lei quello che je pare, tanto ce lo sa che io so' la sua segretaria!

A LEZIONE DI PROVERBI

A sleeping man doesn't catch fishes
An egg today is better than a chicken tomorrow
Red by night, we hope nice weather
Morning has gold in its mouth
When the cat is away, the mice dance

only beatle y's bell a son mommy
if you nasci tond, dont pote diventer quadriful
women end buoy of the pais tos

know my chicken.
An old hen makes a good soup.
Who breaks...pays and takes the pieces away
So much the cat goes to the bacon that it leaves its little leg
Pride goes riding a horse and comes back on foot.
You shuoldn't look at into the mouth of Donato the horse
Sky as little sheep...water as small basins
Who laughs at last....well laughs

If you have time, don't wait for any time more
Don't look in the mouth of a given horse
Help yourself and the sky will help you
Two hands wash each other and both wash the face

Lies have got short legs
It always rains on the wet
Tomorrow is another day
Don't do tomorrow what you can do today
Who leaves the old road for the new one, knows what he leaves but don't know what he'll find
Catch two birds with one bean

E ADESSO... PUBBLICITÀ!

Actor - Let's make a scoop!
Actress - Ugly pig!!!! Only scoping is in your head!
Actor - What have you understood? A scoop... scoop...
Actress - Ah, do you want I scop your room? Or your house? Manc ce penz, brutt screanzat!

IN THE CONVENT

Father Silver: With this rain and with this wind, who is knocking at my convent?
Sister Joy: A Silver, ma la voi piantà co st'inglese? Vabbè c'avemo detto de parlà inglese pure ner cesso, ma tra noiartri checce frega?
F S: Cribbio Joy, hai proprio ragione! Giuro sulla testa dei miei figli...
S J: A Silver, ma me lo voi dì finarmente di chi so sti figli? Tuoi, no de securo, senno ste pore creature...
F S: Joy, attenta! Sorella Vale ci osserva, perdincibacco! E' lei che vuole che si parli in inglese sin dall'asilo...so, lez spik in inglisc!
S J: Ma cchi lo conosce l'inglese, io nun so nemmeno come me chiamo!

LADIES

Lady 1 - Oh, what a beautiful garden!
Lady 2 - Very nice, ma e gardenie nun ce le vedo...
Lady 1 - Let's sit down on the green grass...
Lady 2 - Grassa a mmè? Lurid screanzat! E ppure daun? Ahò!! Fijettabbella, pretty daughter!
Lady 2 - Macchehaicapito, the grass is the erb, l'erba!
Lady 1 - Ah, I understand now! S'annamo a fumà lll'erba!
Lady 2 - ER Burinaccio der fijo tuo se smoka l'erba! Mortacci tua - your bad deads!
Lady 1 - Look, there's a horse there!
Lady 2 - Ma cccquale orso, chill' è nu cavallo! I see four legs!
Lady 1 - Mo' te lego io, te lego, 'cause I'm sure you've already smoked something....

AT BREAKFAST

Lei - Good morning! How does it go?
Lui - Of shit, thanks! And you?
Lei - Of shit to me too...
Lui - What's there to eat for breakfast?
Lei - Muffins! I'm going to warm up some muffins in the microwave.
Lui - Muffe? E cccelo sapevo che today is a shit day....
Lei - Ch'hai detto?
Lui - N'ata jurnat'emmmerda!

BEFORE DINNER

Mummy - Charles, go and wash your hands before dinner, please!
Charles - Wash... with...????
Mummy - With soap, of course!
Charles - Ce vado ddde corsa, but how can I wash myself with the soup? I'm afraid to have vegetables everywhere...
Mummy - You are a vegetable!!! A rape, 'na cap'e' rapa, a essere precisi... The soap è O SAPONE!!!
Charles - ehoccapito!!! What's there to eat, mum? checcestà da magnà?
Mummy - Soup.
Charles - Ancora? Ma nun me ce dddovevo lavà, co' o'sapone?
Mummy - Oh, Charles, pay attention to the pronuntiation, please: soap is soap and soup is soup!!!!
Charles - Mmma va' a mmmagnà sapone! N'ata jurnat'emmmerda!

IN THE HOSPITAL

Mother - Dottò, dottò! 'Ndo sta me fijo?
Doctor - Please, Madam, lezspikininglisc!
Father - Ma che vvoi? Lassaceperde! Mi moje nun cià manco la quinta!
Doctor - Amme mme pare de sì, c'ha 'n par de nipples!
Mother - Bhe, nun faccio pe' vantamme ma quann'ero giovane me chimavano the cow of the Tiburtina...
Father - Aho, ma che state a ddà the numbers? Eppoi...spikininglisc pure te Inese, dài fa sto sforzo!
Mother - It's a word! Piuttosto, chiedije a sto fregnone de Romoletto!
Doctor - Who's Romoletto?
Father - Our son. Cianno detto che l'anno portato qquà dopo ch'è cascato cor motorino!
Doctor - Oh, I understand, Romoletto! Room number 207.
Mother - Ma questo che è n' hospital o 'n arbergo?
Romoletto - A ma'! Sto quaaa!
Father - Ma what's the matter? Mary, come staaaaaaai! Me pari er Christ in the firm of Mel Gibson...
Mother - Ma ch'è successo? Te sei preso de petto the train of half past five?
Romoletto - Ho fatto 'n impennata c'a motoretta, ma siccome che la street era bagnata e striit, so cascato at the back...
Mother - Poor fijetto mio...
Romoletto - ...e siccome che stavo senza casco in testa, c'ho 'n trauma cranico! E sso stato pure lucky che nun c'ho avuto danni alla materia griggia...
Father - Eccomemai?
Romoletto - Dicheno che nuncellò!
Father - Io a so de chi è a colpa!
Mother, Doctor e Romoletto - De chi???
Father - D'a sgrillettata d'a teacher!
Doctor - Why?
Father - Ha da sapè, dottò, che st'anfamona s'è messa 'n testa densegnà educazzzione stradale a ste pore crature...
Mother - Poor guys...
Romoletto - A mà, guy ce sarà your brother Nando, the one who beats the marciapied near the ring-shaped spur road, with a red wig on his (or her) head!
Father - ...ma Quella nun cià manco l'idea, oh, exscuse me, the idea! Je vole dà a sti pischelli er patentino, ma perchè nun gliensegna che nun se fanno le 'mpennate...
Doctor - Well, I think che quest lo dovrebber già sapere i ragazzi...
Father - Macchè, quelli so giovani, che ne sanno. Eppoi, have you listened to the boy, manco er casco j'a 'nsegnato a pportà!
Doctor - Ma non dovrebbero essere the parents ad accertarsi se il figlio ev o not ev the casc?
Mother - Ennoi poretti che ne sapemo, mica ce semo noiartri a scola dove Quella deve viggilà!
Father - Less evil that now with the riform almeno 6.000 de sti comunisti anfamoni fracichi assassini vengono licenziati in trunk.
Doctor - Trunk?
Father - Yes, yes, se ponno attaccà ar trunk!
Mother - Saint Joy pray for us...

IN THE FORUM D

Dr. Biondi - Oh, welcome, dear forumian! Nice to see you!
Forumian - Where am I capitated?
Dr. Biondi - No problem, don't be afraid, you're by friends!
Forumian - Sorry? Chehaddetto?
Dr. Biondi - Would you like to send a post?
Forumian - De mett'apposto? Manc ce penzo, in sto casino!
Dr. Biondi - Sorry, I meant... to write something in a thread...
Forumian - In tre? A dottò, qui ce siamo solo io e llei!
Dr. Biondi - A post is a message! A thread is...
Forumian . ehoccapito! tre messaggi... e cchecci vuole? tred, quattred, cinqued... Mrs. Gisella has put thousanded...
Dr. Biondi - I think it's better to erase your password....

A FORUMIAN MEETING

Richard - What's your name, Madam?
Laura - Lo:ra
Richard - Half past nine... why do you ask me?
Laura - 'Cause my watch is a little scassated... and you are a bit foolish, I suppose, aren't you?
Richard - Are you sure?
Laura - Yes, I'm la sciura Bbbbèrtola! And you?
Richard - Michelin
Laura - Ah, I know! The pneumatic man! Wonderful, magnificful, fantasticful!
Richard - Where are you going to go tonight?
Laura - to night?
Richard - Iesse, iesse, tonight!
Laura - Iamme, iamme, ce vengo pure io me too al night!
Richard - Let's go! Annamo, va'!

(della serie/from the series: "chi di inglish ferisce.../who wounds by inglish...")

WHO DOES IT, BE ASPETTING FOR IT...

Rick – Hello, Po:la! Hau ar iu?
Paola – Mumble, mumble...
Rick – Po:la??
Paola - Crunch, crunch…
Rick – Uot azzarola you fai? Are you mediting?
Paola – NO! Pigwife cow....GNAW GNAW GNAW…
Rick – I’ve never vist you so inc@##@ted, my dear giullar! Plis, tell me pecchè...
Paola – Lasciom perdre, qu’il est better... I parl perfin fransè, pour l’agitazzion! GNAW GNAW!

Rick – Tesor, you’re gnawing... are you affamated? Do you want a pezz of focacc?
Laura – Rick, what kind of inglisch have you studiated? Don’t you sacce che “gnawing” vor ddì “rosikking”? You are porting “me” to the nait... and she’s rosikking... or better, as SOMEONE said... she’s rosikking laik a castor!

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